This Time Around

To be honest I am feeling the pressure, but the relief as well, I am almost finished my full circle journey. I will finally be finished my high school courses in January, and then I can move onto my dream world of university life. I can't wait to hit cloud 9, it has been too long. To be back with friends, pupils, and teachers everyday, interacting, exchanging and entertaining pieces of eachothers lives seems like bliss. I do admitt, it will take some time for me to get back into the swing of things, and yet again things will be different. I won't be returning to the high school filled with fellow students ready for their second and last semester before they graduate to a form of higher education and adult life, I'll be going in fresh, to meet a group of amazing, new, intelligent and unique human beings, learn material that I want to learn, and when I put things that way, it seems like an even better oppurtunity then I thought it was going to be.

As for right now I just wanted to shout out to two of my very dear friends, they have no relation to eachother, other than the fact that they mean the world to me and they are both going through a bit of a rough patch. Both of you(I'm pretty sure you will know who you are), please know I love you, I hold you each in a special place in my heart, you cross my mind at least twice a day, and the support you have given me is unforgettable. I intend to dedicate many things to both of you, but mostly, right at this moment in time I want you to remember that you deserve the world, intern your happiness and your dreams, and remember that you are both great people, some of the best I'm sure I will ever have the pleasure of crossing paths with and making memories with in my life time.

All my Love and Great Warm Hugs,

The Mel Mind

As human beings there is something within us that searches for answers. And yet some questions take years, journeys and even lives to answer. So really would it not be better that some questions be left unanswered? Like the mechanics of the human body and mind, or the weather systems of the world, or those mysteries like vampires, witches and wizards or simple things like fire and water. Why is it necessary to break these things down to a science, to a equation or a member of reality? There is a beauty to the unknown, and being able to appreciate all of these things does not need to come from breaking them down to understanding. Society and humanity seem to overcomplicate in many ways by searching for answers that may be best left unanswered, however as technology grows and humanity and society evolve, more questions arise and the circle seems never-ending.

It felt so nice yesterday laundry while watching movies, and I know to many that this probably sounds silly, but folding ALL of the laundry and watching movies on a Saturday or Sunday was something I looked forward to every weekend. It meant break time from studying or homework and a quiet moment in the house, because usually everyone would be napping. Being able to contribute to as a family member is so important to me, I don't know where that comes from, but it's in me.

The workout went well today, so well in fact that when I got on the boulster, both times, so straight and balanced I only lasted for ten minutes each time, my vision got all funny. I've decided I have to be okay with that, because it seems to happen more often as we try more new and advanced steps. I think it also happens because it allows blood to flow in a new direction, through muscles that haven't been harnessed in that manor for quite sometime.

The standing frame has arrived! I am excited and nervous at the same time, it looks like it will take up a lot of space, which is concerning me more and more. It bothers me that I am taking over the upstairs area more, I don't know how to be okay with that. I realize it is my house, but it is even more so my parents, I never want to tresspass.

This Morning

I was looking forward to working out even before this morning, I knew it would help me out with some of my stress. I was in a awkward mood when Mom and I started, however after we started moving the feeling was forgotten.
We started with the block, and while Mom assisted my knees to move in, out, together and separated, my hip sockets became more and more defined, and the rounded edges of my foot, including my heel seemed to pulse with heat, like the ending tingles when a foot falls asleep. Then we went to belly raises and tightens, I am truly amazed how flat my stomach has become, I have almost returned to normal baby tummy when I sit relaxed. But my core has come together so well that when I think about pulling my belly button right through to my lower back there is no space between the two in my mind, so I have to think about pulling my belly button right through my back to the floor, then my core really engages. Then while Mom worked on relaxing my legs with turns and twists, and bending the knees I worked on arm excercises.

But one of the two best parts was sitting up on the boulster, Mom DID NOT have to hold me, NOT my core and NOT my shoulders. I sat so straight, so well for so long that the lovely dizzy white elephants and I saw eachother for quite some time. However I don't mind having the blurred vision for so long now, it means I am truly working my body, taking steps in the right direction. I probably sat on my knees for half an hour, with my shoulders relaxed, back and down, a nice straight back, intermittently I'd feel my old elegant and graceful self slip back in, it was so nice. We danced for awhile, my hands in Moms, going forwards and backwards and around. More and more my core would hold it's place without me even asking for it, and if my hips fell slightly forward, I could correct it easily using my core.

We did sit ups, and worked on having my ankles at 90 degrees for quite some time. Last we practiced rolling, it's funny now, how when I roll my knees bend, I never did before, but as Mom pointed out, I have been trying to lighten my hamstring, and bring it forward to balance my quad. And because I have been working on it, I with not thinking of it at all see rolling as an oppurtunity to engage my hamstring. However it does makes it a bit difficult to roll when your trying to make it over a bent knee.

The otherr best moment was when we were rolling to our final spot, and organizing the sling, I some how took my right leg, got it bent, and pushed down hard enough that I did a mini bridge on my right side. I instantly thought of how cool it would be to someday race across the floor of a gym again, doing the crab.

It was a good morning, and now I am HUNGRY!, so I am going to eat some amazing left over pizza.

Something Real

I haven't written something new about my body, or the things that I've been working on lately. It seems like I spend so much time thinking I'm busy, and yes I do have a lot of things to do, there are always things to do, that never-ending list, however recently my motivation to actually move, and get things done has diminished. Anyways I wanted to help myself out by listing things I have accomplished or things that have changed, so here goes:

1 - - I successfully changed lenses on my camera without asking anybody for help, or using my teeth(hooray!)
2 - - My core has developed two slightly visible abbs on top of my rib cage
3 - - My left arm shakes like crazy when I work on using the tricep in any position
4 - - The multiple layers of abdominal muscle are coming alive, and I am able to separately identify between them
5 - - My knee caps are sensitive, even when I touch them, it sends a funny sensation, just like when you hit your silly bone perfectly, its an odd feeling
6 - - I can feel when my feet are either too hot or too cold, same with my hips and knees
7 - - I finished the first 4 units of math with a 83 average maintained(thank goodness)
8 - - When Mom and I work out I have successfully scared myself 3 times by being so stable on my hands and knees that I got locked in that position and did 3 headers into the floor to try and get out of the position
9 - - I developed a new night workout or when I think of it, that helps me tie my body together by visualizing ribbons being wrapped around me body and tightening or pulling in different directions
10 - - I moved on to a more exciting volunteer position, which means being back at the Foothills, with some amazing people who I really miss being around.
11 - - Oh and I can sweat again ! :) I know it's a gross thought for the majority of the world, but it is acutally recommended that you sweat once a day to clear all the toxins out of your body (I read that on a lululemon bag, but hey I believe it!)

I know there is more, but that's what I can think of right now, it will all come in time though, and then the Mel mind, body and soul will be unstoppable, I can't wait!

I'm Feeling like Eeyore today

Wow, its only 10:00am and I am unable to focus on much of anything. Of course I have a long list of tasks to complete, but none of them are at all motivating or appealing.
Currently my eyes feel like some one has inserted tiny metal weights into my eyelid and bottom, everything is just mushy droopy and heavy. My room is really warm, which isn't helping me trying not to fall asleep.
Okay, and the sunrise was so beautiful, then the sky went grey with no sunshine to be seen. Well I should go do something meaningful, something productive, I don't think it will happen quickly though.

Time has passed once again and things have changed. After coming home from my awesome time in Vic, the rat race and stress bath begin. It was like I had let the ball completely drop in Calgary, while I kept cruising in Victoria. Frustration, anger and sadness seem to peak when I think about it, because how could I have been working on myself, doing something I know was going to further my dream of getting back on my feet and becoming a better me, taking time to be apart of something good, then when I stop and change gears just a little I get slammed. But I have to let it go, I can't change it now and all of it must have happened for a reason.

But what I truly wanted to write about tonight was my discussion with another lady, and the ideas that arose from it, even the assignment I'm currently working on. On Tuesday of last week I went and saw the lovely Linda, I don't see her often, but it is great when I get the chance, she teaches me a lot about who I am, and how I think.

Anyways when I got there she said to me 'Melissa you seem truly happy, there's a glow about you, What's different?' she had even called me 'Hey Gorgeous', when we said hello at first, and you know that always makes a girl glow brighter. So I went on to tell her about Victoria and my experiences there, how amazing it was, what good people were there and how I truly missed them the moment the plane wheels left the ground. She asked me 'Have you considered moving to Victoria, considered trying out University of Victoria?', her son goes there, and I could see how much she was missing him in her eyes as we were speaking. I explained how I was considering it, but it just didn't seem to fit now, how it was expensive, how I felt I couldn't abandon my parents, and my friends who have supported me throughout this whole journey. Linda in her wiseness, said 'First of all those all seem like excuses and second they all seem like ones that involve the happiness of others being put first and not yours'. Linda has always told me that my giving hand is 110%, while my receiving hand is about 40%. I think somedays that is why I came down this pathway, to realize it was okay to receive good from others and just say thank you, not feel necessary to always pay them back with something. A simple thank you does suffice sometimes. I'm currently overwhelmed by the giving hands that surround me, my Mom's good friend the wonderful Lorna had sent a letter to the Mavericks, a group of upstanding business men who get together to support and have a good time together. Lorna told them my story again, which keep in mind they already knew, as they had been so kind to support me in getting a van to travel in, and asked them if they would help me with a standing frame. Lorna had also sent them the link of my video while I was at Path, and they were so happy that they decided to support me again. It makes me laugh and blush and feel embarrassed everytime I talk with those wonderful men, they support me with all their hearts, there is even one man who, as his wife tells me, wears the bracelet more than their wedding ring. Thats a kick in the gut for sure. And on top of that Mom and Dad found a spin bike, and we hope to try it out soon. Graeme and his family have come back into my life, and Shay too, which I am so happy for. I know they never left before, but I owe them all a huge apology, because the relationships I had before with them were only one way. 100% them and nothing from me, which does not define good friendship. I hope I can maintain something better this time with all of them. I am really appreciating being able to be there for Shay, it feels like that good friend piece of me is starting to return.
But back to my conversation with Linda, we talked for awhile about the families, then I told her about my stress and she pointed out my one personality factor I truly want to change; perfectionist. I am one so much so sometimes I am blind to it. And when I think about it even more now I see how truly hypocritical I am being. When I talk to friends and family who are setting expectations of themselves, or feeling down about who they are, I always tell them they are doing what they need to do in that moment for that moment perfectly, that there is no perfect person in this world and at the same time they are the picture of perfection in the fact that they are a human being wilingly going on this journey of life.

So I have some things to work on, isn't it the best working on yourself(yes I'm being sarcastic!), but it is the biggest pay off in the end. Let's see where it all that work get's this Mel mind body and soul.

Kicking It

I haven't written for awhile, for two reasons really. One being the lack of time, and two being that I just hadn't felt like it. I think because writing meant that time had passed, that things had changed, memories had been made. And perhaps I had wished that those beautiful moments could have lasted longer, could have slowed down so time passed tangibly. But that isn't reality, so it's time to write about the beautiful moments I've had and realize that the rate at which they occured was just as they should have.

My last day with JJ and Jason is a little muddled in my memory banks now, however I know it was filled with happiness. The gym was constantly busy that day, with people coming and going, and if I remember correctly the wall had been knocked down and the room had already been re-arranged. When Mom and I first got there Trina was in the standing frame, I had commented 'Did you sleep there all night?' and she smiled that quiet-graceful smile I had seen many times before, so gentle and focussed. The flooring was wet and JJ was pooring sweat from speed mopping the floor. We chatted for awhile and then JJ asked me what table I wanted to work on, I wheeled to the table we had been working on all week, seeking the comfort of a familiar space, knowing it may be a more emotional workout, as it was our last for a time. JJ shuffled me forward, closer to the edge of my chair, so my feet were planted in front of the foot plate. I fumbled awkwardly to try and help, but then I let go, found my balance and waited with goofy Jason behind me while JJ set up the camera. When JJ came back he put the boulster between my legs like I was going to stand, we tried to do a stand and pivot, but it wasn't in me, and my knees crumpled underneath me, perhaps just too much to ask. From there I know JJ and I did our usual check and talked a bit, what about I can't recall, my mind was somewhere else already, but when JJ and Jason moved me over to the total gym I refocussed, if only slightly. I had some good movements, and I remember JJ nodding his head in approval a few times, but then our first section was done. Jordon the Dude came in, Lea and Romi, and everyone switched places and roles. I gave Lea a hug as I sat at the edge of the table, before me and Jason got down to an incredible workout. We sat against the wall for a shorter time, then worked on the boulster lying flat, doing a few painful, yet super effective arm movements. No matter the movement of my arms that day, I could feel the work I was doing, ripple through each muscle. My favourite though was doing chin ups, chest presses and sit ups. I could feel the power within my body rise to full again, the wanting to show strength and power returned within my mind. I could have done a full workout of those three excercises for the full 2 hours. We finished off with the cobra, which was so relaxing, I felt so free with my back and shoulders touching nothing, feeling a elongating release of my mid and lower back muscles. While Jason and I had been powering it up, JJ had been playing with Jordon, creating movements like crazy, the Dude was at full power, all four battery bars charged and ready to use. JJ was sweating so bad, he said 'I'll never wear a cotton t-shirt again' and I laughed. I can't remember what we did on the matt, but I remember being on the bike, feeling some what slippery and unsure in my seating, and I could feel my legs, but it wasn't the same, I know that just knowing I wasn't going to be in that space with those people for some time was reeking havock on my focus. We went to the standing frame after, I remember JJ putting my shoes on and saying to JJ 'You look tired, you must be tired' and he replied 'Don't create my world for me' in a tone I hadn't heard before. A burst of anger ran through me, and then I let it go, understanding what he meant. Once we got up fully, I remember dancing for a bit, but the room was so full with people, the noise and the tv was so distracting, that the next part I remember is being in my chair, Jason giving me a beautiful-warm hug and kiss on the cheek and then JJ asking me to speek about my experiences during the weeks to the camera. Suddenly everyone had left, quiet had returned, and JJ started walking around tidying up. I could feel the tears coming and my throat shutting, what do you say to a camera? JJ walked me through it by asking questions thank goodness. I did squeek my voice a few times, and choke back tears more than once. But saying those words to the camera only reaffirmed that my time there was up, that I was going back home to carry on. Time went on for awhile, I remember a few other things, like the overwhelming feel of almost bursting into tears in Joanne's car, but I didn't and we made it back to the hotel. Just like I made it home now.

I've worked out with Mom a few times, and being on the floor is great, I've almost kicked Dad a few times before dinner, and I've made a clang while kicking pots in the pantry. The most beautiful moment was when Taz came up to me while I was on my knees with Mom in front of me, he stood beside me, snuck his head under my arm and hand, like he used to when I'd come home from work. He stood and sat beside me for awhile while I petted him. He rotated placing his head on my legs, then my tummy and back again. I knew it was a sure sign that this Mel mind, body and soul was back on the right path once again.

Standing Up and Out

Yesterday was brilliant. It was so nice to see the gym filled with people again, happy and warm. With JJ and Mom's assistance I sat at the edge of the matt as I usually do, while JJ took off my shoes. I was working to develop my touching-but-no-pushing relationship with the black box behind my back, it didn't last long though with all the energy in my legs. My legs went straight and I went down on my back, then we did a few basics like knees in and out, while I focussed on feeling the cross over of energy in my hip joints. Going from straight to bent, I could feel the build up of energy in my hips down through my legs. JJ and I discussed where my "snap" comes from on each side, and how I was some what uneven sensation wise between my left and right. After we got up on the boulster with such improved balance that JJ didn't even hold me. We went up onto my knees and at first I was fine, but then the dizziness hit, so I warned JJ because I didn't want to do a header. I sat back down on the bolster, joked with JJ about seeing white elephants and then discussed why I would have felt light headed. JJ explained that because my body hadn't made that movement so perfectly in such a long time, it kind of went into shock and wanted to pull away from it. Understandable. But as we tried a few more times, my body and mind aclimatized to the movement. Once we got down on to my hands and knees I tried to do a few more hits with JJ, it was still hard to try and support my weight without swaying my hips, but I know I'll get there. We even worked on tricep push-ups, while JJ held my shoulders so I could focus on the movement of the muscles rather than supporting my own weight. We did a few more basics, then I rolled over and sat down at the edge of the bed. JJ put the boulster in between my legs, and I knew I was going to stand. Jason was behind us just as a spotter, even though we didn't need one. I stood steadily with my arms just grazing JJ's shoulder, JJ held my hips, and supported my body a little, but it didn't seem like he needed to do much. It seemed like we stood for awhile, even swaying from side to side like a dance helped to bring my hips to a even more stable position. We sat back down smoothly, then everyone took a moment to absorb the beauty and amazingness of the movement we had just created. JJ even laughed and clapped, like a happy kid, which made me even happier. Jason seemed happily surprized too, which was a total bonus.
I worked with Jason on my shoulder and upper body again doing similar excersizes as the day before. We started with the wall, box and my feet, which was better than the day before, still a little awkward because I hadn't sat that way for awhile, but better.
Then we worked on the boulster doing elbow curls, pull-overs and clappers, chest presses, snow-angels and more. When we flipped onto my stomach Jason helped me with my shoulders as we did a cool cobra move that felt so good. After a few push-ups we sat up and I did a few minutes of tricep work with my arms behind me, bending at the elbow while staying straight. Those were killer, but I could feel everything working, I think I'll do that a lot at home.
To finish Jason massaged my shoulders and stretched my arms while shuving his bald head into my back between both scapulas. I never thought that a mans head being jammed in my back would feel so good. I seem to get heads put in odd places while at Path, but hey, whatever works, it's always good for a chuckle.
With good tunes, good people and a good atmosphere the workout was superb. Time flied by, it sucked to leave, but my mind, body and soul are thankful for all that happened within those 2 tiny hours.

Continuing Yesterday

Okay, so it was a bit of a struggle to get on my knees, but it will never be perfect, it will be as strong a necessary at that moment. From there I went onto hands and knees and worked on doing tricep push-ups without bending my elbows out. I couldn't go far, because I could feel my left arm ready to give out, and I definitely didn't want to drive my face into the matt. I think this time I have a much clearer version of what to go home and work on; shoulders, triceps and my mid-section.
From there I went flat, rolled over to sit on the edge of the matt, and then JJ and Mom lifted me onto the bike for a second time. It was such a reward to get up there again, my legs instantly felt different; ready to work, push through and enjoy a all body workout. A lady named Caroline came and help me put my foot into the foot cage, she seemed lovely. As soon as JJ and Mom switched places, and JJ started helping rotate my legs through I instantly powered up. The strength and the sensation all throughout my legs was incredible. My ability to drive through and feel the difference between a leg being bent and the other being straight out was 100% different than the first time I was on the bike. At one point Moms hands got sweaty so she asked JJ to stop so she could re-grip, JJ asked the question "what happens if you let go?" so Mom did and I stayed put. No sliding forward or backward, left or right, completely stable and strong. After that Mom just spotted, and unlike the first round there was no need to shift me around on the bike to sit evenly. We went for about half an hour, at least it felt like that, and when we finished JJ stood up, and had to stretch because he had stayed down with my feet for so long.
Instantly we went from the bike to the standing frame, it gets better every time too. I keep my abbs tied to my lower and mid back longer and longer, as we get higher or closer to being straight and fully standing. I was a little wobbley at first, just because I had already got on the bike. But my stability and range of dance with JJ quickly grew back, he even did squats with my hands on his shoulders, it was a good challenge to hold strong in my gut and arms. It's still hard to believe how tall I am and how far I needed to bend over to keep my hands on JJ shoulders. My back and belly stayed fairly well jelled together when we danced. I was losing it more and more by the end though, I think because I was getting tired, so JJ put me down with Moms help and I did elbow curls and pullovers. Those two excercises power and centre my entire body, even if I am uneven when I do them. JJ chugged a drink while I was doing my excercises and as soon as he was done we went to standing tall again, with even less support. Dancing for a little longer, Roy watched in interest comparing himself to me, asking questions and even observing similarities like our sensitive mid-sections and hip-flexors. I felt like I was helping him learn about himself, and how he could improve, which made me feel very happy. I always get off on helping others when I don't even purposefully try too.
Keeping in mind the whole time this was going on Caroline and her boyfriend Adrian was watching, Trina was sitting on the matt working ever so hard to develop her relationship with the evil black box, Roy was observing and Joanne was wandering in and out periodically. Usually a situation like that would have irritated or made me nervous, but it didn't at all, my worry was not allowed to come to the forefront because I was so focussed on doing a good job and getting all that I could out of the workout.
Once I was back in my chair and settled, I thanked JJ and said "It was nice to meet you", directing at Caroline and Adrian; Adrian looked right at me and said "you've really inspired me Mel", I said your welcome, and I am happy I could. I smiled quietly, but felt the huge warmth and brightness build inside me. My goal is to inspire, to make people think, to show people hard work and having hope is worth all the effort. I will always remember that as a beautiful, happy moment. If it only took those two hours for him to change his frame of mind about textbook physio and going beyond the pages within it, JJ, Mom and I created something even more unique. It was a beautiful day.

Yesterday Mom and I had an awesome morning walking down Montreal St., looking at the gorgeous Victorian houses and the jungle like vegetation. We were headed towards the Ogden Cafe and the sea. How gorgeous, I felt jipped because I only had 40 minutes to take photos, but that wasn't the point. We met Joanne for lunch and sat chatting peacefully as we breathed in the serene beauty. Hearing waves was a wonder to my ears, what a phenomenal sound, nothing comes close to it. Joanne was a wonderful tour guide, taking us to a few castles and showing us some gorgeous houses, dream houses.
When we pulled around the corner to Path I could see Dennis, and as we turned into the parkade further, Jason was there! I couldn't wait to give him a huge squeeze. I could tell he needed a hug, such a gentle, strong giant who had been through a rough spell. We had so much momentum getting out of the van that we went racing past Jason and had only a second to yell a loving "hey" before the door shut behind us. I was hoping Jason would come to say hello, even if we didn't get to work together, but we did which was a great surprise. Joanne, Mom, JJ, Jason and I talked for a bit, then we moved to the matt where another wonderful moment was created. JJ was moving my right leg and I kicked out with my left, pushing hard into his thigh, he asked me to try and pull it off and I did. Ahh, so awesome! Mom and Jason didn't even notice because they were busy enjoying eachothers company. Once I was flat and JJ did the body scan as Mom likes to call it, we made the decision with JJ's very precise explanation to stay neutral for the day. My left side had completely locked, but my right hadn't to the same extent, so to stay even I worked on my upper body with Jason. I had my back against the wall for awhile doing lots of arm and shoulder work, while Jason worked with a box to try and bend my feet slowly to 90 degrees. Sitting straight and shuffling around with my legs straight was fun, I hadn't done it since I'd fallen off the bed. Once I was on my back we worked on shoulders and arms even more. I loved the feeling of doing chest press, pulling down and pushing left me with such a good feeling of accomplishment. We did sit-ups too, working on my back and gut being tied together, and keeping my shoulder down and back. The strength and energy throughout my trunk and legs was intense, I loved every moment of the locked strong body I call mine.
Even though I was kind of ticked that I didn't get to go on the bike or get up in the standing frame, I knew it was for the best, and working with Jason again was a riot. It was a perfect workout for everyone all around. Mom learned a lot too, things that we could work on, even things I could do by myself.
My body is changing alright, in sensation, in muscle and even weight(I keep losing my pants!! hehe), and along with it comes my mind and soul, how perfect. I even hug with feeling like I used too, how wonderful.

Last 2 Go-Arounds

The past two days have been filled with change, so much change I probably haven't had a moment to recognize it all.
After the workout on Sunday I at first termed it a warm-up, but when I reviewed how much my sensations and muscle mass had changed it didn't seem that way at all. From my trunk down to my feet, my ability to define in my mind the different strands of muscle had grown infinitly. When we were rotating my left leg around, to feel the rotation in my hip joint was very well defined. Even now as I sit I can feel those muscles, but now I feel my lower back and tailbone, and even hip bones. At first the awakening of muscles in my lower back was kind of painful, then it switched to the lower back pain I had before after riding, and now it isn't so bad, because I know I am working to re-build those muscles. But one of the movements that sticks in my mind was when I was on all fours, and I had to punch JJ's hand while supporting my body with the other hand and then switch. I was trying so hard not to sway my hips or drop my face in the matt, but I was able to do it a few times. Part of me is always disappointed when I can't do something so easy as that, but then I remind myself that I was able to do it before, it will come back in time. My triceps have far to go, I just have to remind myself to use them instead of my biceps. I am beginning to realize as I try to pull Sunday to the front of my mind that I should have written sooner. There are little moments at the gym where I wish I had a tape recorder in my mind, because they only happen for a second, and then I forget. Part of me thinks it is a good thing that I don't remember every snapshot of brilliance, or else I'd constantly be pulling files from my mind to try and create movement, which takes me away from being in the moment. Being there in the moment is so key to any kind of creativity, at least with working out, it's different for making art or writing a book though.
Anyways, I'll have to work on Sunday more, but yesterday stands out loud. When we first got there JJ and Jordon were having a beautiful quiet moment, I didn't want to interupt something so peaceful and unique, so I sat quietly and watched, appreciating such a lovely moment in time. Then slowly I saw Jordons' head turn and give the biggest grin in my direction. His personality instantly blooms when surrounded by ladies, the words he is working to create and the smile he shares is filled with glorius happiness. I know he is already kicking butt, but I think he will continue to for a very long time.
Then Dennis and two other people wandered in, I thought Dennis had come to work out with the two individuals help, but it was purely to chat with JJ, Trina, Mom and I. He introduced the couple as a team who wanted to help JJ, but Mom ended up helping, which didn't really surprize me, because the three of us are such a well oiled machine, why bother to mess with the mechanics. For the first while the gym was packed full of people, talking and observing. Diane came and got Jordon, which kind of sucked for me because I think he's such an awesome kid. And while JJ and I were working flat on the matt, Dennis talked to Mom and everyone else asking questions. I felt like glowing when people were surprized at the level of my injury and how well I was doing. People were watching me, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't annoyed or nervous, I felt good about how much work I was doing, even if I did have a belly, hair or bum hanging out. The boulster and sitting is coming along really well, I was able to get on my knees a few times, it took more work than the first time, I think because my awareness of how my body(specifically back) should be. I wanted so badly to be straight, and the over-focussing became over-kill, I think that was why it didn't work as well. I could still feel energy shoot through my knees like gravity grounding me.
Have to go, but I'll continue later, that isn't even half of yesterdays amazingness.

Knees & Stability

Yesterday was filled with new experiences and sensations. When Mom and I first got to the gym the lovely Lea and Romi were there. Lea is such a beautiful and happy person, her inner beauty just radiates. And Romi is such a great reminder for me. She is like a little monkey climbing all over the equipment, doing flips and playing with her balance. Seeing her helps me remember I did those things once and I can definitely do them again. JJ was running around trying to help a new client move in to a suite above the gym. I think he was thankful to sit, eat lunch and take a moment to breathe. I sat at the edge of the table waiting and talking with Mom and JJ for awhile, and it barely took any energy for me to maintain my balance; I was grounded.
When we started JJ was helping me bicycle my legs in the air at the edge of the matt, I had such a good sense of my hip joint and how it was rotating that I was able to help initiate the movement and rotation through. Together JJ and I maintained the movement for about 2 minutes. It always makes me happy when JJ becomes just as excited or happy about a new movement or sensation as I am. I just feel so good knowing that I'm giving back to him and not just taking for myself. There is a good circle of giving and receiving knowledge between us.
I had a few struggles when we did an excercise on my back, where JJ was trying to pull my arm in a certain direction and I had to resist. The part that was difficult was trying to combine the two ideas of holding my arm in place and trying to tuck my hips, lower back and shoulders into the ground for stability was hard. Focussing on two areas of my body seemed challeging for my brain. However now that I've taken the time to think about what my body needs to do, I think I'll be much more successful the next time.
From there we got onto the boulster and worked again on creating balanced movements while keeping my abdomen tucked in and back unarched. I felt so stable and JJ did too, because together we lifted beautifully so that I was only on my knees, no butt touching anything. We stayed together with just a little holding of the hips, for about a minute. It was so nice to have my back straight, with nothing touching my tail bone or butt. My hips and knees were so strong, the connection between my knees and the matt was incredible. When we went back down JJ and I looked at eachother in happiness. I don't think he believed it, he did his funny-nervous-excited giggle, and shook his head. He looked at Mom, who was crying in happiness and said "Did you see that?, that was awesome!". For two seconds we all took a breath to harness that moment in our memories.
From there I went onto my hands and knees for a bit, trying to bring my scapulas together, focussing on not using my shoulders, rotating my hips through, until my left arm tired and gave out on me. I went flat onto my stomach while JJ articulated my sensations all down through my middle back, down through my feet and back up. As awkward as it always is having someone touch your bum, tapping away at the muscles like they're piano keys does really help me to define the muscles around and in my lower back, bum and hips.
After doing that for awhile, I got back onto the boulster, except this time round I kept kicking myself in the bum with my right foot, launching me forward, I think JJ and I were both surprised we didn't crack skulls. When we tried to go back onto my knees I wasn't as stable the time before, which made things a little interesting. At one point I felt JJ push his head into my stomach to help support me, but because I am so tall it didn't quite work. So instead he put his entire face, straight on into my belly, at first I kinda felt funny, then I let it go, and seconds later I felt jiggling. JJ was laughing into my stomach, as we went back down to the boulster laughing, JJ said "I know I do weird things, but that was even weird for me", we all laughed. We joked later on with Joanne and JJ that they needed to create a new waiver for clients to sign. When at Path, you never know what's going to happen, but you can always go knowing it is going to be a good time.
After that we did some slower leg rotations while I was on my back, I didn't feel it as much as the first time, but as we are all coming to realize , you can't create the same beautiful moment twice. It will never be perfectly the same, no moment in time ever is. But as humans there is something in us that tries too, we all hope that we can recreate the beautiful time twice, but life just doesn't work that way. That's what makes us appreciate the good times ever more so; makes some memories stronger than others.
We went to the standing frame for awhile at the end, dancing again from side to side, while maintaining strength and stability throughout my body. JJ and Mom talked for a bit about how it seemed I had re-developed my side muscles in one night. I felt so stable, it still makes me laugh to see everyone below me though. At one point JJ went to shit me, and he held me by the sides, with his fingers pressing between a few of my ribs. I said "If you'd like me to puke, you're pushing in the right place". He changed his position and said "So you're saying you don't like being held there" I replied yes, and at first I felt a hint of anger in JJ, I don't know why, but it quickly faded and we kept dancing up until the end of the session.
Lea, Joanne and Mom were watching us, chatting and waiting to go wherever after we were done, the happiness and warmth in the room was great, it was a very amazing friday afternoon, I felt so lucky to have such fantastic people and energy around me.
Today is a day off, Mom and I get to see the wonderful K & K, I am excited. I just wanted to take a moment to say I am a very lucky lady to be surrounded by such amazing people in my life, I may not seem thankful all the time, but my mind, body and soul will be forever and always.

What have I missed?

Well I didn't get a chance to write as soon as I wanted to, but now I do.
The half and half day with JJ and Blaise was filled growing experiences. I went up and down in the standing frame I believe a total of three times, each time I went up and then back down, I could feel improvement in my balance. It is almost like riding a bike that you haven't in years; the first time you get back on it feels a little scary and awkward, then by the third or fourth trip, it feels like you hadn't missed a day riding that bike. Dancing with JJ, my hands on his shoulders, pushing ever so slightly to follow his movements was amazing. I've learned through working with JJ and Mom that words play such a key part to my success. For instance the difference between releasing energy and relaxing. As well words play a key part for giving a strong visual image, and if I am able to picture what I want, it generally happens. Changes have happened for sure, I don't think JJ is ever concerned about my upper body anymore, because he now only puts his hands on my abdomen, and sometimes it is just one hand. I even felt more stable in the standing frame yesterday, I didn't have to have my hands on JJ's shoulders for support at all. My connection to my hips and hip flexors is growing tremendously, I can feel the connection from my hips down through my legs to my feet and all the way back up. The careful movements help to articulate me with all the areas of my legs, hips and lower back, which intern seems to be helping me be more stable on my own.
When Blaise came I knew I was in for a interesting afternoon, but the energy that traveled between us, and my ability to understand and feel the energy shifts in my body and his was better than I ever thought it would be. At one point in particular, Blaise asked me to run the accident through my head, several times, in different ways, while he sat just above my head with his hands huvering just above my neck. It was different and scary almost to picture the accident as a spectator, rather than the individual effected. After repeating it a few times and rotating my neck from the left to the right side as well, I could feel little touches of pain and heat in the form of a marble, slowly finding its was down through my broken neck area. It was a release of all the built up stress and pain.
Another few things that Blaise said to me stuck quite strongly. One being that when we were discussing what I want to create in the future as far as a career and body, he said along these lines "It's just like when the sperm hits the egg, in that instant the idea is put out to the world that a baby will be born, however it doesn't happen right away, we have to wait nine months or so for the idea to come true, all you have to do is send that idea(s) out to the universe and wait for the idea to come along in the right time." When we were talking about why I was not in University finding a career, Blaise said maybe the career that suits me hasn't been created yet, but when I get there it will be there waiting for me. I just have to remember to be patient, breathe and embrace the moments that I am in day to day, minute to minute and second to second.
Just when we were finishing up, I sat up on the edge of the table and worked with Blaises help to keep my back straight and shoulders back and down. It was hard at first but when Blaise put his index finger and thumb on my collar bone just like JJ had done before, I was able to sit straight, as straight as I had before. That was the only time I felt a little dizzy, I hadn't felt at all dizzy for a long time, which is good because that means the blood is flowing through my body so much better.
Everytime I go to answer a question when I am in the room I realized that if I was unsure I would look to Mom, but after Blaise and JJ looked at me, and sent the vibe of "It's your body", then I stopped looking at Mom for answers. The whole time I was working with Blaise I could feel JJ and Mom watching intermittently, then turning their minds on to something else. The room was so warm, and the sunshine emitting through the windows made the day all that much better.
Yesterday was really amazing too, with JJ and Mom's help I was able to get onto the spin cycle and rotate my legs through like on a bike. It felt really good, and my body felt quite balanced too. I always chuckle a little to myself, as when I am in awkward positions or have less support like with the bike, my balance seems perfect, but when I'm doing something simple like sitting at the edge of a table I am a little floppy. But it felt so good to be on that bike, sitting tall, feeling the difference between one leg being straight and the other bent, then switching to keep the pedals moving. My hips and lower back especially were defined.
Then we went onto the matt-table where we worked on articulating different muscle groups, I must say it is a great feeling when both I and JJ are surprised by a feeling or a movment in my body. Laying on my back with knees bent and left leg crossed over the right, my left foot was tapping, I didn't quite undertand the sensation, but visually seeing my foot tapping with consistency was beautiful. When we worked on bridging with my knees bent, and raising my stomach to the air, a few times my torso sort of locked, like it was in a corset. JJ and I both tilted our heads and said "hmm" what was that? It was good, we just hadn't ever discovered it before. My ability to release energy thorugh my left leg is getting better, it doesn't take me as long to quite the tapping or even ignore it. The excercise where I was using my core and triceps to go from laying down to sitting really helped me define the feeling of how my core and back are when I need to keep my body straight instead of floppy. Turning and leading with my core and hip instead of my shoulders felt good as well, I could truly feel a difference between using my shoulders and using my sides. Sitting up seems so much easier now, from the beginning of the workout to the end I can feel the difference in ease of sitting up.
Well that was a lot, and as more comes up I'll try to write it down, so I can continue to harness those moments in my mind, body and soul.

Half and Half -- The Best Kind

It was another eventful, beautiful and extremely bright day. I felt like I was dancing again, I think that is why I can't wipe this grin off my face, or have happy tears ready to fall at any moment. It was amazing to stand on my own to feet, even if I had a little help bracing my knees and core. I forgot how tall I was, it didn't feel real to look down at Mom and JJ. The floor seemed so far away, and at first I was a little frightened, but that wore off quickly, I mean really I was that tall for years, I was comfortable with it before, why should I not be now? The hour blew by while me and JJ danced around, playing with my core, shoulders and balance. Every time we moved up or down from standing to sitting and sitting to standing my comfort and confidence in my ability to control my body grew. To bend down, to stand tall, to put energy through my legs instead of harbouring in my shoulders was a glorious release. I think the dance felt just as great to me as it did to JJ, at least it felt that way to me.
Then Blaise came, which I knew would happen, as I put it out there, but I just didn't know when. We danced too, but it was different, more stationary physically, but all over with energy. The energy ran like a track between us, with Blaises' guiding words I worked to even and circulate all my energy throughout my body.
I have to get ready for the fundraiser right now, however I plan to write a lot more about todays experiences, to anchor them into my body and memory.

Embracing the Moments

Well it has been forever since I have written on this blog, but certainly not for lack of ideas or reasons. It has been time and finding that motive that has sent me in other directions. However I return here, by homework assignment to embrace the moments of my morning workout experience. Mom and I were picked up by a lovely lady named Joanne. At first and still now, but in less amounts I felt bad that we were receiving such a wonderful treat, to be driven to our workout, but then I reminded myself that if Joanne didn't want to do it she would have said no. So I let it be, and appreciated what was given to me instead, which took much less energy than stressing over it, as stress usually does.
Once we got there and JJ opened the door I could tell I was in the right space. That I was where I needed to be right for that moment in time. The new space is beautiful, there is a warm, balanced feeling about the space, maybe it has to do with the building being an old church, but I think it is simply a place where good spirits have met to create memory making moments. We took in the space for awhile, then I gave the CD to JJ, which he proceeded to play, then stop, because he knew Jason would enjoy the music too. It felt so right to share some of my favourite music, it is a part of me that I truly do love and enjoy, and want to share with the whole world. Mom shared her mirrors proudly, and JJ accepted. We talked for a bit first, discussed how my body was doing, which I always a first feel awkward about, but then realize that it the reason I am here. To reconnect and reconfigure my mind, body and soul. When I told JJ about the infection and the awareness it gave me in my body, he said that maybe is was serving that purpose exactly. I had had that feeling all along, but hearing someone verbally out loud allowed me to accept it and be okay with that fact.
From there we went to the matts, to sit on the edge of the matts and know I was grounded better than I had ever been before felt so good. Having no chair touching my back, a real floor instead of a hovering footplate, and my butt bones on a different surface felt so heavenly. There is something truly wonderful about sitting in another place. JJ started to feel around with my legs, to play around and ask me questions, which made me go beyond the walls of my mind. I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to verbalize what I was feeling, it was like my word bank had completely shut down. But over time my communication felt better, less frustrating. I realize now looking back on lots of the workout that I was trying to force movements and feelings of my body that didn't need any forcing or over-thinking. I only needed to ask gently and wait patiently for a response, oohh and maybe BREATHE too???!!! Really, can't imagine the body working better if it had oxygen!!
Anyways, once the communication was clearer, we discussed the difference between relaxing and releasing energy. Relaxation differs from each individual, whether it is mentally or physically everyone has a unique way of relaxing their own energy. It is just the same with releasing, but for me I have to work on releasing my energy, rather than harbouring it, and hoping for some big controlled movement to come along. I have to decide if I would like big graceful movement or a burst of movement like kicks or punches. Then give myself the time with patience, and BREATHING, to create that energy and movement in my body.
I had to laugh at myself, I had seen that JJ was sweating and I said "I'm making you sweat already?", he proceeded to open a window further, then look at me and express what I had said from his point of view: "SWEAT!!!, SWEAT!!" with his arms shaped like a sorcerer or conjurer. I laughed because it made me realize I had no control over his body sweating, it's his body and his decision to work as hard as he does. And even he cannot tell his body to stop sweating, it's just a natural part of being a human being.
I have to learn to think less, if that makes sense, but it does. I know that if I harbour all my thoughts and energy in my head, my ideas and energy will go nowhere. Where as if I am talking, or focussing on breathing or a feeling in my body, I have much more of a chance to create movement. I believe now that is why I sometimes have trouble as well with the finer movements, even the large ones too.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the seeing my feet vs. feeling my feet vs. what movement my feet actually create. The studders and shakes are interesting, the little waves my toes do on my left foot make me laugh and get frustrated at the same time, because I want to understand that movement, and recreate, but I don't know how, but wait I do. Most times my answers sit right in front of me, for a smart gal, sometimes the obvious isn't quite as apparent as I'd like it to be. Just like Mom and JJ say "Why am I here?", but I know why, to support, and pull me beyond the four walls of my mind.
I also got to be on the boulster, which felt heavanly too. To have nothing touching my back, and my legs bent differently, my core being engaged with JJ's assistance all felt superb. I smile and feel great when I retrace my memory and look once again through my eyes at those moments.
In the end JJ went and played with Jordan (Who is looking awesome by the way), while I did arm movements and danced to the music I had brought. The energy being released and circulated in my legs felt glorious, it was so much more comfortable to get back into the chair afterwards. As much as I didn't want to, the energy in my body was so positive, happy and alive, that getting into the chair didn't seem to hurt at all. It was a great first day back, no more and no less than it needed to be.But I can't wait for tomorrow after all, I'll always be chompin' on the bit for more, just like any good horse.

Long Time Coming

Wow, it seems like forever since the last time that I wrote, but that feeling like I just can't breathe is back again, that choking, gasping for breath has returned. But really I shouldn't be surprised, considering I have no space to call my own anymore, I have very few moments where I am alone to be in my own head, and anything I believe to be meaningful one minute is torn down the next.

Drama Queen; yes I confess to be the text book definition some days, but for more reason then one the sun just isn't shining quite as bright as it used too. A happy moment only lasts for a few minutes, then its cast aside and either anger or sadness penetrates. Perhaps that is the reason why I spend so much time dreaming of the past, especially before my world descided to crumble further. It just seemed so good before, the last few weeks were some of the many highlights in my memory bank. Particularily the day before, I remember the moment, the first moment in my life where I felt like everything was together, I felt beautiful and loved. My friends surrounded me, laughing and joking, it was like I'd tuned out for a moment, frozen, the sounds dissipating to nothing, happiness and gorgeous colors were the only things left, thats all that was necessary. What I'd give to get back there I truly don't know, but that's just another question on the mel mind.

A New Word: Devotee

It's been awhile since I have written and I don't know why. There have been many things to write about, however maybe I just needed a little time to find a topic that would initiate my writing. So here goes, it seems like its been forever.

Awhile ago I added someone on facebook who I originally thought was a co-student of mine, however while the names were the same, this individual was not that student, yet someone who would stir up a lot of ideas and emotions.

While I was checking my inbox and just toodling around on facebook one day the little instant chat message box popped up with his name as the title and the first comment reading: "Are you in a wheelchair?" My first emotional reaction was insult, how does a person not even say 'Hello, How are you?', he jumped to something so personal right away. So I exited he message box and kept meandering around the facebook sight. Until the exact same message popped up ten minutes later, when I proceeded to log off completely in anger and humiliation.

I realized later on how immature I was being, yes he was asking something personal about my lifestyle, but it is apart of who I am right now. I realized it made me angry because it forced me to face the fact that at this moment in time I am running my life on wheels and not my two feet. It meant facing the fact that I did fit the definition of disabled, which for me was humiliating. Then the gates to guilt broke, and the river of guilt gushed in. How could I be insulted, angered and humiliated, especially when I had a sister who was disabled? I love her, I owe her so much, So how is it that I loved, accepted and defended(even though she didn't need to be) her so easily? And I can't do the same for myself? I know my sister could have cared less about being accepted and defended and playing a part in being the definition of disabled. She was just herself and that was all that mattered. For myself it's just so much more complicated, accepting myself now is difficult, because I was just beginning to know and love the person I was before the accident. The process of being me for me was interupted and starting all over again is like grinding big boulders into dust.

Anyways, about a week and a half later the same message pops up, and this time I decide to chat back a forth. I told the gentlemen I found it insulting that he didn't even say hello first, and he apologized, so that was nice. Then because I didn't know how I knew him I asked him, and he replied saying "We haven't ever met, but do you know what the word devotee means?", I replied saying "No," and he further explained. The word Devotee describes a individual who is attracted to people in wheelchairs. So this freaked me out, yet I continued the conversation, asking if he was turned off by walking women, how long he'd known about the wheelchair world, and how he had come to know he was one of these individuals. He was so casual about the whole thing, like it was nothing to talk about it, he seemed like a weirdo, to like girls in wheelchairs, how awful.

Then once again the gates of guilt opened again, how could I have such hopeless degrading thoughts. Especially when I saw my sister as beautiful and wished and hoped for he to find somebody exactly like this man. She deserved to be happy with a man who loved her more than life itself. How could it be that in such a short time, my thoughts and ides on loving people in wheelchairs had become completely reversed?

As we tied up the conversation I told the gentlemen "it's nice to know that there are people like yourself out there", he replied " I am glad that you think that way." It was nice to end the conversation that way, it was a conversation I needed to have. I haven't chatted with him since, but maybe once was all I needed, to expand the Mel Mind.

Scars

I know I've changed. I realized it even more today when I looked at my bruises and scars. I used to be so proud when I had a bad cut or bruise, showing it off to anyone and everyone. I was so prideful. At the fact that I had survived, made it through some sort of pain, it made me feel stronger. It made me feel like I looked stronger to others too, which for some reason was and still is extremely important to me.

When I looked at my scars and bruises today it was as if I was ashamed to have so many. I felt the need to cover some up because they make me look more pathetic and weak, rather than the strong from before. I realize I need to be proud of these scars and bruises, because what I've survived this time around is much more than the little scratches I got from climbing trees and falling off my bike when I was little.

Tired of Being Tired

It's hit the year mark, and my wish, my unrealistic hope hasn't come true. I wanted so badly to wake up and have everything back to how it was. I mean I didn't need to go back in time, I know thats not possible, but to have my body back; me back. My mind, body and soul have all been displaced, they're incongruent. One says one thing, the other does something else, while the other thinks something completely different.

I look in the mirror and see a tired, disheveld girl, with bruises and scars that she doesn't even know belong to her. Her eyes have shrunk, the light within them faded, her mouth tiny, dainty to the point where its so small it looks like it hasn't been used in years, skin has lost its shine, now pale and sickly. Its all I see, I look in the mirror and then I look at my grad picture and see a woman, not a girl, a lady with confidence and intelligence. It hurts more when I know the pictures were taken a day before the accident. How can time just crush the spirit right out of a human being? It seems like I've aged in body, yet rewound to be an insecure little girl again, running to mommy and daddy for anything and everything. I've had to focus for a year now on just surviving physically, and it's agony. I'm tired of just trying to survive, I was living before and I was beautiful and confident and strong, now all that seems to be erased.

I look at that picture everyday, longing for myself, wishing to be that beautiful woman again who looked as though she could have saved the world. But this new life, if I can call it that is draining me of every ounce of my soul left, I feel I've resorted to just being physical and my body is working overtime. I'm tired of saying I'm tired, I'm tired of using it as an excuse, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of wallowing, I'm tired of hearing people say 'You look tired'(it's so insulting, especially when I know I look it already, it's the last thing I want to hear), I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of pain, but most of all I'm just tired of being tired. It's ruining me. Just another day in the mel mind.

A New Look

It was driving me crazy that I had such a basic blog page, so I finally decided to sit down and make it look better. It isn't done yet, but it certainly holds true to my personality more than the other one did. I have a few more changes that I would like to make as far as colours and pictures. At least it looks more presentable if someone rolls across it.

Simply Is.

She's pissing me off again. It is my life, I will do things when I want to, in my own time. I don't think I'm ready for school, or for moving on in life. After all I have lost a lot, at a time in my life that was extremely special for me, I won't be able to go back and relive my graduating year. But she doesn't get that, she doesn't see it. At least with her I gave her time and still give her time to mourn over her losses, I just wish she treated me like I treat her, it would be a real treat(haha).

I think its ridiculous what she is asking of me, $20 every day I don't call, its MY choice when I decide to continue MY education. I've never pushed her or asked much of her as a daughter, I left her be, because I knew my sister needed her more. And I realize that now because my sister is gone that she feels lonely, but now she doesn't get to turn around and mother me like I'm five. I'm eighteen and I graduated high school well I was in the hospital using my own brain, during recovery. I'm not a stupid kid, I had a Dad who has taught me plenty, and when she had time she was a good Mom who taught me lots, but now I've had enough of being five again. It is degrading and with what I've just been through I don't deserve it. What is she going to do with the money anyway? I don't see what she is trying to prove. I've simply had enough with her having power over me. I'm not powerless, even if I can't walk or shake it on my own. I have a brain and a mouth with powerful words inside each, and I'm not afraid to use it anymore. Its been a long time coming, but now it is time to speek instead of shudder. To rise above instead of fall down. It simply is.

Blah- Blah-Blah-Emotional Baggage and Rambling are Extremely Exhausting

It doesn't feel like time for a new year. I'll be brutally honest and say it's not fair to let the new year be now, after all I got cheated on last year. What did I get to do last year besides fight to live? And be forced to learn life lessons that I already know I have refused to absorb? I know this is insulting to all the people that have helped me along the way, but I can't even be thankful anymore. It's like my shadow has swooped in, covered the good girl up, dug her a hole in the forest to sit in, and is letting that good girl, who had a heart of gold, who wanted to do the old 'save the world' cliche. And that hole keeps getting deeper, closer to the center of the earth, making her sweaty, worried and extremely agitated. I've lost her, she's almost all burned, and I feel like I'm losing one of my souls. Like the Japanese warriors and their families believe, a person cannot be healthy or fully healed unless all their souls reside within that one physical body. So what am I supposed to do, especially when it feels like I've almost lost a soul, and I'm not even close to being healed?

The clock has ticked for almost a year now, and all I feel like I've done is lost mentally and emotionally, especially physically. I find it so tiring somedays to cry, it seems easier to tilt my head to look to the sky and let the tears seep back in, that way I'm guarenteed not to feel the burning on my face and I won't have purple bags underneath my eyes. I recognize it's not healthy to hold things back, emotions I mean, but all I've been doing lately is being emotional. I've done it for a year and I'm not only tired of it I'm bored of it. It's not like me, and it isn't providing any benefits at all.

I know as it gets closer and closer to the day, that day my life changed, that the law of attraction theory got the better of me, I'll catch myself saying it more and more. I can't do it anymore seems to ring and bounce around my head and triple each time it rikochets off my skull. That's the other thing, my skull. It still has the indent, the divet that now derives me as imperfect. I rarely recognize myself anymore, when I look in the mirror(which isn't often), all I see that I know are lips that have never been kissed, and eyes that seem to be shrinking, like they've lost site of their goal. My body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore, and because of that my mind only seems to get to speek when I write things like this. The rest of the time it seems like the shadow I mentioned earlier is processing and spitting out these horrible thoughts that I know aren't mine but I can't shut them off. It won't let me carry on in a day unless it has made it's point which generally means pissing me off or making me cry. The force behind it is so strong, but I know I have to push through it.

And by pushing through it that may meen these things:
1) Getting into school for me, not leting Moms' constant nagging about it drive me the other direction; knowing that it is immature to rebel this way
2) telling Mom this
3) Telling Mom that I may have been reduced to the age of a three year old or less physically, but my brain is still 18, and that because I've been through many of the things that she has I am strong, I just have to live my life by my rules, not hers. Telling her it is degrading that she treats me this way, and doesn't help that shadow disappear, it just makes it worse.
4) Telling Dad he can love me, but letting him know when he's crossed the line.
5) Sitting down with Mom and Dad, tell them about what they say to me about eachother, when the other isn't around; because those aren't my issues, its not my marriage, my role is the daughter and its taking enough energy to figure myself out right now, so I can't carry them on my shoulders too.
6) Maybe leaving, because home isn't home anymore, going to a hospital isn't an option as far as getting on with my life, and hiding in a friends house or hotel isn't an option, especially with all the shit I now have to lug around and the wheels and motor under my ass.
7) Being realistic about being a night hawk. Knowing it isn't going to get me anywhere
8) Being realistic about blogging; it may be a release, an immense help; but is it responsible? Or do I dare question it and its magic way of making me feel relieved?

All I can say for tonight is that this truly feels like the first blogg in a long time that allowed me to breathe, and for those readers after this blogg, BEWARE The Mel Mind.