Seriously Disappointed!

Well all I can say is wow, it's amazing how much stories can be adapted and changed, just for the final entertainment product. I can't believe how much the producers changed my sister's keeper, it makes me happy that I read the book first, the story and plot were so much less predictable. And it showed hope in the end, instead of the bite of reality. Yes, I'm not disagreeing that reality checks are necessary to keep in perspective, however hope just seems so much nicer. So much warmer. I know that both versions end in death, either sister is forced to lose another, but between the two of them they share strength. They balance their mother out, they give her reality and she gives them hope. It's just how mothers need to be sometimes, there's a hook, a pinpoint of emotion in their stomach that guides them, it's amazing.

Traitor to Support

Somedays I swear it's hard to just be like this, but then I imagine the people who have no family, or friends, no support system and I realize I need to shut up and kick it up a notch.

Somedays the support is overwhelming, so much so that I shut it out, and cram the emotions somewhere else, because then I don't have to deal with it; not because it's easier.

And then there is days like today where I feel like I'm a traitor to my supportive family and friends, because I won't let them hear, see or speek to me.

It isn't simple accepting the support, but I know I have to.

Truth

A dose of truth in life is what a lot of people need. Sometimes hearing the truth is hard, no matter who it is from, whether it be a loved one, a friend or a complete stranger. Sometimes it takes time for the truth to sink in, and when it does it's extremely powerful. But from experience it seems to me, that realizing the truth on your own is the ultimate. It brings tears and pain to the surface, and lets ideas flow. It clears the mind and causes change, makes a person want to change. And in my case it makes me want to change, change back to the selfless friend I used to be. Be the friend again who listens, and soothes, and shares in the other persons happiness. I want to be that person again, and even better. Particular friends have stuck by me because they know there is something in me, it's time I see that something in them again. It's time I open my eyes and ears again to the realm of friendship.

I'm Officially Pissed

I get it, I asked for it, but when I asked, I did it in mind that I was trying desperately to help my loved one. Why did it have to go so far?, especially when I was doing it to help and not to hinder. I hate seeing him in pain, and I thought if I took it on, I could deal with it, push it aside, grow above it, rather then wollowing around in the pain. I wanted to clear his track, de-fog his sky and let him feel freedom once again. Freedom that would allow him to climb the mountains he so greatly loves again, freedom to smell the smoke of the campfire, freedom to tinker around the house, fixing and changing whatever it is he pleases. I did it out of the goodness of my heart. I did it for him, and selfishly for me too, because every little girl wants her Daddy back to full strength. So that she can have good times with him, outside the house again, rather than watching the tv or lying in bed. I know it was selfish, because I wanted him back, I knew he was there, he was just covered in a deep haze, I wanted that haze gone. But how many times was I selfish before this? I really didn't think I was at all. Please don't tell me that every time I helped somebody, I only did it knowing that I would feel good after. I don't think thats true at all, I did a lot of things selflessly, out ofW the goodness of my heart, and even if that resulted in happiness, I didn't always go into those situations looking for a happy-helper-high, I did it for the person, or people. It isn't fair, It makes me angry, that for the first time, in a long time, when I am some what selfish and wish for something better, that I get a slap in the face, a kick in the ass and my freedom taken away from me. It's stupid and frustrating and no one deserves this, not even me. And as far as I'm concerned I should at least get some kind of reward for being so good, I've looked around at the world, learned life lessons, looked at myself and seen what needs changing, and I think I deserve something for that. Even if it made my Dad better, because now he's worse. That is the other unreal, and stupid part of this, you have kicked me down, kicked me when I'm down and kicked me when I'm done, and now I'm officially pissed. I mean seriously, you did all this to me and you still can't help my Dad. And because of you kicking me so hard, you know that he is worse now right? Everything is worse now! Mom downstairs, in MY SPACE!!!!!!!!!! And Dad ALONE, IN THE MASTER BEDROOM?, God! You pissed me off, I know I give myself my power and take it away too, but for once it would have been nice to get some help. To see, hear or know that you were there for me. And the fact that I'm willing to eknowledge you now more so than I was before is ridiculous. You should have been there, you should have said something instead of sitting there quiet, I know I'm supposed to make my own decisions but it would have been nice to have some guidance. A voice to hear, even if you had to yell it at me, and shake me back and forth. You should have told me, you should have showed me, I could be doing so much more for him if this had not happened. He would have been better by now, he would have me still, rather than this emotional self-centered psyco. All I'm saying is I'm pissed, you should have been there, said something and made me listen.

A Headache From Hell

It's like my brain is testing the pirameters of my skull. But I know the pain is due to all the emotional upheaval lately. Christmas generally instigates all the mountains of feelings that have been shoved into deep, dark corners of the mind, to rise from the dark. It is exhausting and pain-staking work to be completely honest with yourself, to realize the lies you made up to protect yourself and friends and family. It's certainly not a walk in the park, but hey if you let all the shit sit, in the dark pit, of your soul, you yourself will pay the toll. So have a headache, know it's worth the work, it's got a perk.

This Is Getting Real Old, Real Fast

Well, I'm getting tired of this; hence the title. The this I am refering to, is my life. My current complications are lacking in their sophistication and excitement. It was enticing for awhile, to see the progress, the growth, the strength gained, but it has dramatically lost its cache. Somedays I swear it is like my body is holding my mind hostage. And then other days I know it's reversed. I can't wait for the day when my mind and body decide to come to terms, answer to each other like an old married couple.

But for now, until both decide to break free of their cold jail cells, and decide to wander the streets peacefully together, I'm stuck. A person shouldn't feel that they can tap only into their mind or their body at one time, the two should connect, balance, harmonize. I'm waiting for that day impatiently, waiting for the moment when my work will succeed, waiting for the second I can be done being introverted and selfish, and go back to helping the people in that world out there.