I'm Officially Pissed

I get it, I asked for it, but when I asked, I did it in mind that I was trying desperately to help my loved one. Why did it have to go so far?, especially when I was doing it to help and not to hinder. I hate seeing him in pain, and I thought if I took it on, I could deal with it, push it aside, grow above it, rather then wollowing around in the pain. I wanted to clear his track, de-fog his sky and let him feel freedom once again. Freedom that would allow him to climb the mountains he so greatly loves again, freedom to smell the smoke of the campfire, freedom to tinker around the house, fixing and changing whatever it is he pleases. I did it out of the goodness of my heart. I did it for him, and selfishly for me too, because every little girl wants her Daddy back to full strength. So that she can have good times with him, outside the house again, rather than watching the tv or lying in bed. I know it was selfish, because I wanted him back, I knew he was there, he was just covered in a deep haze, I wanted that haze gone. But how many times was I selfish before this? I really didn't think I was at all. Please don't tell me that every time I helped somebody, I only did it knowing that I would feel good after. I don't think thats true at all, I did a lot of things selflessly, out ofW the goodness of my heart, and even if that resulted in happiness, I didn't always go into those situations looking for a happy-helper-high, I did it for the person, or people. It isn't fair, It makes me angry, that for the first time, in a long time, when I am some what selfish and wish for something better, that I get a slap in the face, a kick in the ass and my freedom taken away from me. It's stupid and frustrating and no one deserves this, not even me. And as far as I'm concerned I should at least get some kind of reward for being so good, I've looked around at the world, learned life lessons, looked at myself and seen what needs changing, and I think I deserve something for that. Even if it made my Dad better, because now he's worse. That is the other unreal, and stupid part of this, you have kicked me down, kicked me when I'm down and kicked me when I'm done, and now I'm officially pissed. I mean seriously, you did all this to me and you still can't help my Dad. And because of you kicking me so hard, you know that he is worse now right? Everything is worse now! Mom downstairs, in MY SPACE!!!!!!!!!! And Dad ALONE, IN THE MASTER BEDROOM?, God! You pissed me off, I know I give myself my power and take it away too, but for once it would have been nice to get some help. To see, hear or know that you were there for me. And the fact that I'm willing to eknowledge you now more so than I was before is ridiculous. You should have been there, you should have said something instead of sitting there quiet, I know I'm supposed to make my own decisions but it would have been nice to have some guidance. A voice to hear, even if you had to yell it at me, and shake me back and forth. You should have told me, you should have showed me, I could be doing so much more for him if this had not happened. He would have been better by now, he would have me still, rather than this emotional self-centered psyco. All I'm saying is I'm pissed, you should have been there, said something and made me listen.