Embracing the Moments

Well it has been forever since I have written on this blog, but certainly not for lack of ideas or reasons. It has been time and finding that motive that has sent me in other directions. However I return here, by homework assignment to embrace the moments of my morning workout experience. Mom and I were picked up by a lovely lady named Joanne. At first and still now, but in less amounts I felt bad that we were receiving such a wonderful treat, to be driven to our workout, but then I reminded myself that if Joanne didn't want to do it she would have said no. So I let it be, and appreciated what was given to me instead, which took much less energy than stressing over it, as stress usually does.
Once we got there and JJ opened the door I could tell I was in the right space. That I was where I needed to be right for that moment in time. The new space is beautiful, there is a warm, balanced feeling about the space, maybe it has to do with the building being an old church, but I think it is simply a place where good spirits have met to create memory making moments. We took in the space for awhile, then I gave the CD to JJ, which he proceeded to play, then stop, because he knew Jason would enjoy the music too. It felt so right to share some of my favourite music, it is a part of me that I truly do love and enjoy, and want to share with the whole world. Mom shared her mirrors proudly, and JJ accepted. We talked for a bit first, discussed how my body was doing, which I always a first feel awkward about, but then realize that it the reason I am here. To reconnect and reconfigure my mind, body and soul. When I told JJ about the infection and the awareness it gave me in my body, he said that maybe is was serving that purpose exactly. I had had that feeling all along, but hearing someone verbally out loud allowed me to accept it and be okay with that fact.
From there we went to the matts, to sit on the edge of the matts and know I was grounded better than I had ever been before felt so good. Having no chair touching my back, a real floor instead of a hovering footplate, and my butt bones on a different surface felt so heavenly. There is something truly wonderful about sitting in another place. JJ started to feel around with my legs, to play around and ask me questions, which made me go beyond the walls of my mind. I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to verbalize what I was feeling, it was like my word bank had completely shut down. But over time my communication felt better, less frustrating. I realize now looking back on lots of the workout that I was trying to force movements and feelings of my body that didn't need any forcing or over-thinking. I only needed to ask gently and wait patiently for a response, oohh and maybe BREATHE too???!!! Really, can't imagine the body working better if it had oxygen!!
Anyways, once the communication was clearer, we discussed the difference between relaxing and releasing energy. Relaxation differs from each individual, whether it is mentally or physically everyone has a unique way of relaxing their own energy. It is just the same with releasing, but for me I have to work on releasing my energy, rather than harbouring it, and hoping for some big controlled movement to come along. I have to decide if I would like big graceful movement or a burst of movement like kicks or punches. Then give myself the time with patience, and BREATHING, to create that energy and movement in my body.
I had to laugh at myself, I had seen that JJ was sweating and I said "I'm making you sweat already?", he proceeded to open a window further, then look at me and express what I had said from his point of view: "SWEAT!!!, SWEAT!!" with his arms shaped like a sorcerer or conjurer. I laughed because it made me realize I had no control over his body sweating, it's his body and his decision to work as hard as he does. And even he cannot tell his body to stop sweating, it's just a natural part of being a human being.
I have to learn to think less, if that makes sense, but it does. I know that if I harbour all my thoughts and energy in my head, my ideas and energy will go nowhere. Where as if I am talking, or focussing on breathing or a feeling in my body, I have much more of a chance to create movement. I believe now that is why I sometimes have trouble as well with the finer movements, even the large ones too.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the seeing my feet vs. feeling my feet vs. what movement my feet actually create. The studders and shakes are interesting, the little waves my toes do on my left foot make me laugh and get frustrated at the same time, because I want to understand that movement, and recreate, but I don't know how, but wait I do. Most times my answers sit right in front of me, for a smart gal, sometimes the obvious isn't quite as apparent as I'd like it to be. Just like Mom and JJ say "Why am I here?", but I know why, to support, and pull me beyond the four walls of my mind.
I also got to be on the boulster, which felt heavanly too. To have nothing touching my back, and my legs bent differently, my core being engaged with JJ's assistance all felt superb. I smile and feel great when I retrace my memory and look once again through my eyes at those moments.
In the end JJ went and played with Jordan (Who is looking awesome by the way), while I did arm movements and danced to the music I had brought. The energy being released and circulated in my legs felt glorious, it was so much more comfortable to get back into the chair afterwards. As much as I didn't want to, the energy in my body was so positive, happy and alive, that getting into the chair didn't seem to hurt at all. It was a great first day back, no more and no less than it needed to be.But I can't wait for tomorrow after all, I'll always be chompin' on the bit for more, just like any good horse.